Q: How do you FEEL about food. Why do you eat? A: I enjoy going to the bathroom, because it gives me a chance to sit by myself and ponder life. I eat so that I can go to the bathroom more. Q: What is your biggest flaw? A: I tend to judge other people too quickly (and too harshly). Q: What is your hangup with your mother? A: She never understood me as a child and still doesn't understand me as an adult. Even so, I wish I had listened to her more when I was a child. I probably would be more well-adjusted today if I had. Q: 3 favorite authors A: It's hard to say. I typically never read more than one or two books by any one author, and it doesn't seem fair to judge an author based on only one or two books. The only author that I have read (and enjoyed) more than two books by is Kurt Vonnegut. Q: What are the hallmarks of success in life? A: Serenity, inner peace, and a really fab CD collection. Q: What is your biggest mental fuck-up? A: My inability to picture a realistic scenario in which I am perfectly happy. Q: What is your favorite animal? Describe it. A: I like cats. They are relatively clean, and they pretend to love you if you feed them. Q: How long do you usually know a girl before you kiss her? Jump her? Dump her? A: I try to do all three by the end of the first date, since I rarely get to have a second date. Q: How old were you when you first kissed? Had sex? Smoked Pot? A: I was probably stoned the first time I kissed and the first time I had sex, so I don't really remember. Q: Do you use recreational drugs? A: Of course. Q: What? A: I said: of course. Q: When? A: Just now. Q: Still? A: Huh? Q: Have you ever been married/lived with someone? A: Nope. Q: Do you know how to cook? What are the things you cook best? A: I can make a wide variety of frozen snacks and frozen dinners. Famous French chefs have complimented me on my exceptional microwave techniques. Q: Have you ever used any of the following: gel, hairspray, mousse, eyeliner, cologne, deodorant, conditioner, zit cream, aftershave A: All of the above, but not all at the same time. Q: What was the most crazy thing you ever did as an adolescent? College student? Working stiff? A: I ate dirt a few times when I was a kid. I didn't do too many crazy things in college. Recently, the craziest thing I did involved a prostitute who almost left me downtown with no pants on and with no wallet. Q: If you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be? If I were, what would I be? A: Probably a tomato, because no one can seem to agree on whether it's a fruit or a vegetable. You would probably be a vine of seedless grapes, and I would probably spend all night trying to find your seeds. Q: If you were at a party, and across the room you saw a very handsome man and your girlfriend chatting quite animatedly, what would you do? A: Have a cow. (I don't mean I would get angry. I mean I would head for the barbeque and get a hamburger.) Q: Do you think there is life after death? A: I have no idea if there is life after death. Q: On other planets? A: I have no idea if there is life after death on other planets. Q: Are you psychic? A: No doubt. With certain people, I always know that they will be calling me before I actually hear the phone ring. Q: Are you psycho? A: No doubt. With certain people, I always know that they will be calling me before I actually hear the phone ring, so I disembowel them before they have a chance to call. Q: Do you think you have any sort of understanding of what it would be like to go completely insane? A: Yes, I have known insanity. I would like to visit it again someday. Q: Were you ever in the armed forces? A: No, but I saw Apocalypse Now on acid once. Q: Did you ever kiss a girl who had big, hairsprayed bangs? A: No, but I've kissed a girl whose hair reminded me of the Big Bang. Q: What was the most important scientific achievement in the last 50 years? A: The discovery of fire. Q: What is the biggest problem all women have? A: The discovery of fire. If it weren't for fire, women wouldn't have half the problems that they do today. Q: What is the biggest problem all men have? A: The discovery of fire. If it weren't for fire, women wouldn't have half the problems that they do today, and as a result, men wouldn't have half the problems that they do today. Q: What is the biggest problem with our society? (no more than 5 lines) A: The fact that people want to try to summarize all of society's problem in 5 lines or less. Q: Do you prefer plants or animals? A: Yes. Q: If you won $1 million, what would be the very first thing you would buy? The second? The last? A: A Honda Prelude. At the rate that the dollar is falling these days, after buying the Honda Prelude I wouldn't be able to buy much else other than some nice seat covers and a pine-scented air freshener. Q: Who has been the greatest influence in your life? A: DMT elves, though I have trouble communicating with them because I have never smoked DMT. Q: How do people describe you? A: Usually they just blather on and on. Q: How do you describe yourself? A: The same way. Q: Do you subscribe to any magazines/newspapers? A: No. Q: Which? A: All of them. Q: What are your favorite shoes? A: The magical ruby slippers that Dorothy stole from the Wicked Witch of the East, but I would prefer to have them in high tops. - M
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