Hmmm ... I see something like this out on the WWW and I can't resist. And, having chatted in your very presence makes taking your questionaire a mandatory experience, no? So, I begin. Q. How do you FEEL about food. Why do you eat? A. Food is a marvelous thing. I tingle with excitement at well-prepared foodstuffs. I consume these foodstuffs out of the love I have of continuing to exist. Life is a grand experience ... why fuck it up by starving to death? Q. What is your biggest flaw? Allowing myself to answer these questions over the impersonal medium of e-mail, where my answers may be ignored. Of course, you could ignore me in person as well, however, it is more difficult. Oh, did I mention that I tend to analyze people's communication too much, and not analyze my own nearly enough? Q. What is your hangup with your mother? A. Hang-up? I really have no idea what you mean by that ... Mom is cool enough. Sounds like you've had a few momma's boys in your time, dear Sonic. Time to date someone other than Oedipus. Q. 3 favorite authors A. Melville, Milton, and the guy who writes the 'Ed Anger' column for the 'Weekly World News.' Did you know that the same guy wrote the 'Ed Hassle' column for 'High Times?' Q. What are the hallmarks of success in life? A. Ah ... a loaded question indeed. Very good, Sonic. I will take up the loaded question, aim it squarely at my right foot, and squeeze the trigger .... Success in life is being happy with where you are and with what you're doing. Sleeping well when the day's done -- that's success. Peace of mind, dearest Sonic, is what it's all about. It carries no outward signs, no hallmarks. Q. What is your biggest mental fuck-up? A. Not realizing the answer to your previous question at an earlier age. I've lived an angry existence, Sonic ... not realizing that success doesn't mean a fat bank account has cost me. Q. What is your favorite animal? Describe it. A. I enjoy the company of basset hounds. They are fine animals, truly in tune with what it means to be happy. Describe them? How does one describe Zen masters? Serene, contemplative, always at ease with themselves. Q. How long do you usually know a girl before you kiss her? Jump her? Dump her? An interesting series of questions here ... I don't kiss every girl I know, but I understand your question implicitly. Let me spell it out for you ... I don't "jump" women. I expect women to respond in certain ways. If they respond in those ways, then I may approach for a kiss. Generally, by this point in the relationship tension has built to the point where sex is immediate (I am generally a long dater ... several dates pass before I determine that the responses are indeed present). I have never dumped a woman. Ever. Q. How old were you when you first kissed? Had sex? Smoked Pot? A. I find it interesting that you've capitalized the word 'pot.' But to answer your questions ... Kiss, 16 Sex, 17 Pot, 17. Q. Do you use recreational drugs? What? When? Still? You must contact me for any details on these activities. I will neither confirm or deny any such activities via e-mail. Q. Have you ever been married/lived with someone? Who worked? Who cooked? Who cleaned? A. I have lived with two women in my life, both times while a student in college. No one worked. We shared cooking and cleaning duties. What a mundane question. Q. Do you know how to cook? Do you like to cook? What are the things you cook best? A. Do I detect a desire for food, dear Sonic? I can cook. The things I cook best are stir-fries ... I like to experiment with various ingredients to achieve new tastes. However, I do not cook at all these days. I have the means to eat at restaurants, and I do. Q. Have you ever used any of the following: gel, hairspray, mousse, eyeliner, cologne, deoderant, conditioner, zit cream, aftershave A. Gel ... no. I'm not even sure what you mean. Hairspray has been applied to me by stylists, but I have never applied it to myself. I have used mousse in a vain attempt to corral my hair for a job interview (I didn't get the job, and I blame it on using mousse). Eyeliner? You must be joking, or you have been dating strange men. Cologne ... I prefer to not put scents on my body (although I enjoy the scents women apply to theirs). I apply deodorant daily. I use Pert Plus shampoo, which contains hair conditioners. Zit cream ... I have used Oxy 10 (but it dried out my skin to the point where it was intolerable). Aftershave is for machositc freak people, and it causes a scent to linger on one's body. I have tried aftershave, dearest Sonic, but I will not do it again. Q. What was the most crazy thing you ever did as an adolescent? College student? Working stiff? A. I engaged in theft as an adolescent ... as part of a gang of thieves. We ripped off the candy counter at the local 7-11 and committed acts of vandelism. As a college student, I once blew up a staircase in a dormitory. As a working stiff? Well ... contact me for that. Q. If you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be? If I were, what would I be? A. This sounds like one of those Dating Game questions that require a thinly-veiled double-entendre for an answer. You must do better. I will leave that as my answer. Q. If you were at a party, and across the room you saw a very handsome man and your girlfriend chatting quite animatedly, what would you do? A. It certainly depends on the scope of the animation, don't you think? It's the 'are you a control freak' question, stated more kindly than usual. Again, I would ask you to improve the questions, probe more deeply into me. Q. Do you think there is life after death? On other planets? A. No afterlife to cloud my thinking. You got one shot at it, Sonic. Make it a good one, with me or anyone else. Alien beings? Sure. Why not. I don't concern myself with it, though. Enough going on here on this planet ... Q. Are you psychic? A. No. I do not predict the future except from what I've seen and the conclusions anyone may draw from that. I do watch the Psychic Friends Network, however, because it is high comedy at its best. Q. Are you psycho? A. I was recently certified to not be psychotic, or even seriously neurotic. I am a sane individual (however, taking the time to answer this over-long questionaire causes me to doubt my judgement). Q. Do you think you have any sort of understanding of what it would be like to go completely insane? A. I don't flatter myself that much. Insanity is something that I do not understand, cannot fathom, and want to avoid. I understand psychic disturbances, but insanity is out of my realm. Q. Were you ever in the armed forces? A. No. Q. Did you ever kiss a girl who had big, hairsprayed bangs? A. No ... not yet. Q. What was the most important scientific achievement in the last 50 years? A. The discovery of the structure of DNA. Q. What is the biggest problem all women have? A. An inherent misunderstanding of the nature of men. They think they know ... but they don't. Too bad. Q. What is the biggest problem all men have? A. An inherent misunderstanding of the nature of women. Men accept this, however, which is too bad. Q. What is the biggest problem with our society? (no more than 5 lines) A. The forced dichotomy between men and women. Men and women appear to have different life views and goals (as a whole) ... why not accept these differences and work with them, rather than engaging in futile attempts to alter each other? This problem creeps into other aspects of our society, taking on new forms, but always going back to the same root cause -- misunderstanding. (short enough!) Q. Do you prefer plants or animals? A. Animals. They generally move about and respond, which makes them easier to relate to. Q. If you won $1 million, what would be the very first thing you would buy? The second? The last? A. I would buy a house. Furniture is number 2 on the list. There would be no more money left to buy the last thing. A million bucks doesn't go very far, Sonic. Q. Who has been the greatest influence in your life? A. My dad. Quietly, for all those years, he showed me what it was to be male in this world, supported me, picked me up when I fell ... he was it. Q. How do people describe you? A. Smart. Sloppy. Funny (witty, not peculiar). Aggressive. Q. How do you describe yourself? A. See above. Include romantic. Q. Do you subscribe to any magazines/newspapers? Which? A. No. None. Not one. I buy them when they contain something that interests me. Q. What are your favorite shoes? A. The pair I have on right now, the only pair I own. They are white Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star high-top basketball shoes. What a strange set of questions! Why not administer the MMPI? Better yet ... just ask me things on the spacebar chat thing. I hope you're even close to old enough for me ... Brian
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