Name: A. Sterling Windsor Email: A. Nothing must point to me. If my congregation found out -- How do you FEEL about food? Why do you eat? A. That's a toughie. Mixed emotions. Food is my friend, yet I devour it. Yes, I devour my friend. Ever notice that devour and devout are almost the same? What is your biggest flaw? A. Excessive humility. 3 favorite authors: A. I used to like James Joyce, but lately I'd swear he's beginning to make sense, and that's scary. The late Peter De Vries -- subtle, intricate, hilarious, resonant, unsung. And of course Nabokov, who touched a nerve in all of us. (Oh, crap, now there's no room for Borges -- though an Argentinian, he excelled in arabesques.) What are the hallmarks of success in life? A. Why, being sought after by lots of women. They signify success. The creatures circle around til they smell success, then in they go. They're like dope-sniffing dogs, or canaries in a coal mine. Did I mention Great White Sharks and tuna guts? What is your biggest mental fuck-up? A. If people won't love me I want to rip their face off. But can usually control this. What is your favorite animal? A. The otter. Describe it. A. Lithe wet acrobat, waterloving predator, comical but deadly, love him or he'll rip your face off. How long do you usually know a girl before you kiss her? Jump her? Dump her? A. If she's as sweet as I imagine YOU are -- immediately, immediately, never ever. How old were you when you first kissed? Had sex? Smoked Pot? A. 18, 18, 18. I'll never forget that night. Do you use recreational drugs? A. You mean like at the ball game? Of course. What? A. My roommates and I used to make something called Goofy. You take a mixing bowl and put in everything you've got that's volatile. Then you throw a damp cloth over it. When you're in the mood, stick your head under the cloth and huff. It makes you goofy. And it's a nice surprise, because you never know exactly what's in there. When? A. Well, I'm not exactly sure, Goofy does funny things to your time sense. By the way, who's this guy Clinton they keep talking about? Still? A. We did try a still once but the bathroom caught fire, it turned out Harvey wasn't a chemistry major, he was a palmistry major at a smaller school. I forgot to mention, the downside of Goofy is that for some reason it makes your semen inflammable, so it's best not to have a cigarette after sex. Have you ever been married/lived with someone? A. Yes, back when I was desirable. Who worked? A. I did. She just lay there underneath. On hot days the sweat would fly off me like washing your van. Who cooked? A. I. Who cleaned? A. No one. Well, that's not quite true. I found out that Celeste was picking up everything that might rot and putting it in the freezer. Do you know how to cook? A. Certainly. And I'm prepared to cook all your favorites. Do you like to cook? A. Yes, especially those things which, if eaten raw, would give me trichinosis. What are the things you cook best? A. Mutables. Once I cooked 75 tacos for the people at the office, trying to buy their love, though I knew it was futile. I put all 75 in an aluminum turkey roaster. When I got to work and lifted the lid I saw they'd transformed themselves into a single humongous enchilada. So I said, "I brought enchilada!" God, I felt stupid, standing there next to it. Have you ever used any of the following (which?): gel hairspray mousse cologne deodorant conditioner zitcream aftershave. A. Those are for wusses. Wait, do you include ingestion? Then, sure, all of the above, except the zitcream was by accident, I was kind of high on hairspray. What was the most crazy thing you ever did as an adolescent? A. At 13 I began having strange dreams accompanied by unexplainable somatic reactions. I thought my body was starting to dissolve. Worse, I was afraid I'd be called to the front of the class where everyone would see. But the teacher must have known about us. Thank God for teachers colleges. By the way, after adolescence I had to get glasses, so it looks like Mom was right about self-abuse. Sorry to dwell on this, but it was a big part of my life. As a college student? A. Studying when I might have been getting laid. Getting laid when I should have been studying. It's tough to juggle the priorities. As a working stiff? A. One evening copulating under the timeclock -- or "punching in," as she called it -- the two of us then crawling into the ladies' lounge and passing out in each other's arms, to be found by the day crew. If you were a fruit or a vegetable, what would you be? A. Something macho, maybe asparagus. Uncooked, I mean. If I were, what would I be? A. A razor-slit peach, Darling. If you were at a party, and across the room you saw a very handsome man and your girlfriend chatting quite animatedly, what would you do? A. Beat the crap out of the hypothetical bastard. Do you think there is life after death? A. Though I'm strictly a hardshell rationalist, I'd have to say that President Lincoln -- who's lately been channeling through Rheuma (high priestess of R'lyeh) -- President Lincoln puts a very convincing case in favor of life after death. There's a lot of static on his channel, but I think he's claiming he came back as someone named Priestley or Presley. On other planets? A. Sure, but so what? I have enough trouble making it with Earth creatures. Are you psychic? A. Knew you'd ask. My gift is unusual -- I can foretell the past. That is, I often have the eerie feeling that I know what's been happening. Images more than a week old get hazy, but I'm really accurate in the short run. The other day I remembered -- almost digit for digit -- the winning state lottery number. Do you think you have any sort of understanding of what it would be like to be completely insane? A. If you're trying to trap me it won't work. I'm quite sane. What have the CIA and the Pope been telling you? Were you ever in the armed forces? A. Yo! And it made me appreciate the soft, squishy, self-indulgent, cojoneless, drugtaking, carstealing, crime against nature committing life of a civilian. I love it, except civilians don't appreciate a spitshine. They think I'm wearing patent leather. Did you ever kiss a girl who had big, hairsprayed bangs? A. God, yes! I still think about it. Almost put my eye out. Still, I'd love to have a pillow stuffed with those things. What was the most important scientific achievement in the last 50 years? A. In the field of medicine, that would be the flip-top beer can. No more Heimlich maneuvers up and down Fraternity Row. What is the biggest problem all women have? A. They don't know what they're doing. They smell like a hot flower, and their intuckings and outpouchings drive me nuts, but when I respond they threaten to call the conductor. All men? A. I'd have to say, envy of me. I mean, it stands to reason. Society? A. The pay scale is wrong. Why should some slob with a knack for finance be in the Mercedes, when someone else -- let's say, someone with a beautiful soul and a desperate need to be loved -- has to drive a green De Soto with no shock absorbers? Which do you prefer, plants or animals? Why? A. That's a toughie. To make fruit salad you generally need plants. For unnatural acts, animals are your best bet. Although I must confess that a young cantaloupe ... well, look, personally I think it's disgusting, but if I don't do it someone else will. If you won $1 million what would be the very first thing you would buy? A. A fabulous date with you of course. The second? A. A cantaloupe farm. I mean, if things don't work out with the date. The last? A. A more durable pneumatic love doll, but only in case of Cantaloupe Blight. Who has been the greatest influence in your life? A. It could be you, Baby. How do people describe you? A. Well, some call me the west wind. Some see me as the conscience of humanity. Some think I'm just a silly old fruit. How do you describe yourself? A. A beautiful soul with a desperate need to be loved. Please don't let this influence you when it comes time to award the dates. Did you ever notice that date and sate are almost the same? Do you subscribe to any magazines/newspapers? A. Yes. Which? A. The Journal of Research for Tenure. Tire Recapping World. Blushing Bottoms. What are your favorite shoes? A. How did you find out about me and shoes? Shoes mean nothing to me, they're merely a mundane article of apparel. All right, glittering black spike heels that could puncture my flesh at the slightest hint of disobedience. Additional comments: A. Something's been troubling me ... I mean, here I've poured my heart out, and yes, fallen in love with you, and I have to wonder -- will you even read this? For that matter, do you actually exist? Are you really a warm throbbing yearning woman with big hairsprayed bangs, wet pouty lips, and numerous internal organs? For all I know you could be a male prankster. A sinister morphydike. An entire junior high school class doing a sick project. An ephemeral stream of electrons generated by some awful software. I mean, I've spilled my guts to win your heart, not so pimply geeks hunkered down in their clammy bedrooms could snicker at me. But who except pukes like me would read something called Babes on the Web? Mother of mercy, give us a sign, beloved Sonic!
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