Name: A. Dwayne J. Offal Email: A. This is not my computer its my cousin Lamar, he's having an organism in the bedroom I got to work fast. Home Page: A. What. Would you prefer your email be linked, unlinked, or anonymous? A. What. How do you feel about food? Why do you eat? A. It feels good. I like things that feel good. I like to get in there and tear with my teeth. They make me eat in the bathtub. Thats alright, but don't try to eat soup in there when someones taking a shower, you never finish. What is your biggest flaw? A. My ma says I dont have flaws, their more like features. My pa says Where's that little puke I step on his head, but I dont think thats a flaw. 3 favorite authors A. You mean theres 3 of them? Did you notice, everything I ever read seem like it was written by the same really smart fellow. But if you put me up against the barn with your knee in my noonies I got to say my favorite is the one that wrote the most beautiful words in the english language, "Apply to infested area." What are the hallmarks of success in life? A. Got to be self respect. I give you an example we all can relate to. You know that feeling when you come to in the gutter with vomit up your sleeves and your pants is gone and you discover you can't stand up because some one parked their pickup on your hand -- but you still have enough self respect to wish it was a BMW. Thats what I mean, thats self respect. What is your biggest mental fuck-up? A. I dont like to brag but Dr. Scheissberg copyrighted my case history, he said it would make his career tho' their wouldnt be many dinner invitations afterward, no one would go near him, but society would sure find out what it spawned when the spring issue of the Journal of Human Garbage come out, thats not really its name but he says thats what all the healers call it. What is your favorite animal? A. I always like the triceratops, a dinosaur. Like to get one. Not many around these days, but that just means you dont have to get them spayed. They dont talk back or make a mess and you can hang your pants on their face. Describe it. A. Big fellow, all scaly, horns on his face, bow legged, nice personality, just about extinct. How long do you usually know a girl before you kiss her? Jump her? Dump her? A. I tell you my philosophy on that. When I got to be 18 they couldn't hold me in school no more so I got a nice job at Bon Ton Entrails & Adulterants in town, that supplies filler to the packing houses. Everbody said I should get married and raise a family, but I couldn't think of girls that way. Maybe I was old fashion, but I was used to having sexual relations with just my sisters like you're supposed to, plus the social worker when she come around to test my development. My pa said strange women would only get me in trouble and give me a disease, and if my sisters was good enough for him they was good enough for me. How old were you when you first kissed? Had sex? Smoked Pot? A. Well, again, I get confused about all that. Me and Onan Brathwaite used to talk about what you call voluptuousness (he got that off a box of cundums), he known a lot about it, but I never could figure it all out. He was like my coach, in fact he wanted to teach high school, but he never got out of seventh grade. He said he couldn't get no encouragement from his career counselor so he give it up. The counselor said he'd see him in hell with his back broke before he'd be a party to lettin him near innocent children, and then the career counselor's face got all red and veiny and spit come flyin out and his nose begun to run, and Onan had to grab him real quick between the legs and work him good til he calmed down, Onan said it was like milkin a champion butterfat producer. Anyways, pretty soon his career counselor fallen down on the floor and his voice got all funny like a girl's and he started twistin around and rubbin up against Onan's legs and he asked Onan if he couldn't please please get to be Onan's footstool and work his way up to urinal, and Onan thought it was undignified for a career counselor to talk like that, so he just said maybe. I hope that will answer your question. Do you use recreational drugs? A. No, only for solemn religious purposes. (Tee hee.) What? A. Little shiny ones, and ones with corners. When? A. Soon as they start to wear off. Still? A. Not for the last few minutes. Have you ever been married/lived with someone? A. No but I like to do that with you honey. I ask Lamar if he known anything about you, he said he had you figured for someone thats part femme, part cartoon character, and makes weird noises. Well shit fire, that sounds like me, except for the first part of course. Who worked? A. That depends on if you would. Who cooked? A. Women should cook unless its my famous chilly. Also they should throw the paper plates away because they made the mess they should clean it up. Who cleaned? A. I guess nobody would, women are not always tidy like they pretend, did you notice they always leave their panty hose on the shower so they catch in my eyebrows. Then they complain if they get snags. Do you know how to cook? A. You only got to cook it until the scales fall out. (Thats the secret of my famous chile by the way) Do you like to cook? A. I never said I was no Gordon Blue. What are the things you cook best? A. I just told you but nobody listens. But also I like to cook big things, man things, things that if you drop them you could lose your toenail. Thats the trouble with this country, you got men sitting there with there legs crossed and a snail fork. Have you ever used any of the following (which?): gel hairspray mousse cologne deodorant conditioner zitcream aftershave. A. Thats a good one. I dont even use soap. What was the most crazy thing you ever did as an adolescent? A. When I got to high school my friend DePrave learned how to shrink heads, he sent away for a kit, and we'd wait for people to come by at night and get their heads off and make them into paperweights and like that. It was harder than you think, people that criticize don't know how much work you got to put into it. As a college student? A. I didn't exactly go to college, but I spent some time there with my uncle Oedipus Jukes that slept with us. It turned out he wasn't really my uncle, and him and pa had a fight about it, and uncle Oedipus got real sick, pa said he had to castorate him for his own good. Ma used to give me that same oil out of the brown bottle, so I known what it was like, but I got to say, I never screamed like uncle Oedipus did when he was gettin his, pa even had to tie him down they told me. Anyways, he worked part time over at the state University. He had to keep most of his body shaved so they could attach things. He said it wasn't so bad, and he had to go anyway cause it was the terms of his parole, but they didn't hurt him much and they let him mastrebate into a jar. After he got sick he couldn't do it so good, so he tried to use my seed instead, he concealed it in his mouth, but some professor over in Germany caught on right away. They give uncle Oedipus a copy of the telegram, he saved it, it said Sehr abnorm, aber nicht abnorm genueg. I don't know exactly what it means, I never took Latin or whatever, but uncle Oedipus said the deputies brought him back to the lab and they just about mastrebated the life out of him to get back on schedule. Does that count? As a working stiff? A. I usually dont stay on a job long enough to do something crazy. But let me give you an example that you must of experienced yourself. This happened when I was a salesman with Discount Flammable Sleepwear. Well, you know that uneasy feeling we all get when we've been dreaming we're a werewolf and it seems so real, and we're so glad to wake up, then we notice blood around our mouth and somebody's hair under our nails, and there's people with torches outside? Well, let me tell you, that straightens you out in a hurry, so I never got in trouble on the job, no sir. If you were a fruit or a vegetable, what would you be? A. I ain't no fruit, so I guess I'd be a big old carrot, know what I mean? If I were, what would I be? A. Look to me like you'd be a prickly pear, missy. If you were at a party, and across the room you saw a very handsome man and your girlfriend chatting quite animatedly, what would you do? A. Well, I don't like to make threats, but let me tell you, back in high school Old Mr. Semmelweiss that taught Hygene found out we was shrinking the heads and said the whole district was nothin but a petry dish full of basilli, but we had the last laugh. Otis Fontleroy got us a tank of helium like for balloons, and we caught Mr. Semmelweiss comin home one night and made a slit and sucked out his insides with Floyd Cottle Jr.'s industrial vac that picks up solids plus liquids, it's a real good one, and sealed up the holes in the skin, and pumped in the helium. Well, sir, we tied a string to his pecker and he just went bobbing along everwhere we went like the Macys parade, with a big wide grin. After that the other teachers didn't bother us none, and our grades even went up. So you could say justice won out. Thats a word to the wise. Do you think there is life after death? A. Could be, but how can you tell it isn't just life before death. They look the same to me. On other planets? A. What other planets. Are you psychic? A. Once my Aunt Emesis was taking a plane and I dreamed it crashed, the dream was so real I called her and warned her, but she took it anyway and it didnt crash, tho' it got in 45 minutes late. Another time I had a tingly feeling about what number would win on the state lottery, and it almost did, except for 3 of the numbers. So you have to say I'm part way psychic. Do you think you have any sort of understanding of what it would be like to be completely insane? A. Sometimes I think so. But for instance, heres something I'm sure you can relate to. You know how it is when youre woken up by the police pounding on the door, and you have no idea who that thing is in bed with you, and it feels like theres a thousand insects burrowing into your skin, and then that blessed feeling of relief when you realize youre not crazy after all, the insects are real? That's mental health. Were you ever in the armed forces? A. Well I applied and they told me I could serve as soon as they got to the bottom of the barrel. I think thats some kind of a lottery but they didn't draw my name yet. Did you ever kiss a girl who had big, hairsprayed bangs? A. No, all the girls cut their hair short so it won't get caught in the machine. Something that can turn out 350 cundums a minute, think what it could do to your bangs. I dont blame them. What was the most important scientific achievement in the last 50 years? A. Got to say the 53 Merc. Or is that more than 50 years? What is the biggest problem all women have? A. Not enuf of me to go around, but almost, know what I mean? Men? A. Try to compete with me, and maybe they can when they have tons of money or some big future, but let me tell you, I got a secret weapon they never heard of called the gift of blarney, or Dr. Scheissberg from the County calls it by a scientific name, Coprolalia. Society? A. They always tell you not to do things. Take old Pedophilus Winegard, society told us to stay away from him, but it wasnt fair. Pedophilus lived near the grade school til his house burnt down, it was the same night he had that accident where all the feathers got stuck to him, he sure looked funny when the folks carried him through the square. But we all liked him from the school, he always give us that candy with real liquor inside. He used to do funny things to us with lard and some carven things he got from Thailand, sometimes it hurt a little, but we known it was okay because he had his certificate from the state Sexual Psychopath Division, he was all registered and the Governor even signed it. He couldn't get a job because he used to black out a lot, plus he would take out his whang and show it to ladies, he was what you call an exhibitor, but he had his stress pension from being a Federal Judge, so he had lots of money, with a cost of living adjustment every year. Do you think thats fair? Which do you prefer: Plants Animals. Why? A. I think plants, they dont give you as much grief, they dont always hump your leg like some animals I could name at all my friends house. If you won $1 million, what would be the very first thing you would buy? A. Thats more than I could make in a year. I'd use it to do good. No, better use it to get so drunked up I have to grab the floor to keep from falling off. The second? A. Do it again. The last? A. How much do I have left? Greatest influence? A. J. Edgar Hoover. He fought crime while he loved his mother. How do people describe you? A. Neanderthal. Thats over in Europe, what they call the continent. How do you describe yourself? A. Mister average American, a little better looking maybe. Do you subscribe to any magazines/newspapers? A. I dont exactly subscribe, but I never miss reading the January 1962 issue of Electro Convulsive Therapy Practitioner. Its always laying right there, and its always like I'm reading it for the first time. What are your favorite shoes? A. Mostly hush puppies for social occasions, but to stomp a mud hole in someone you want your combat boots. Additional comments: A. I hope I'm not taking advantage and using up all your paper, not many people want to know my thoughts believe it or not. We can go out any time, I'm not working right now.