webshite/applications submitted

Thu, 21 Sep 95 13:32:19 PST
     A. Dwayne J. Offal
     A. This is not my computer its my cousin Lamar, he's having an 
     organism in the bedroom I got to work fast.
     Home Page:
     A. What.
     Would you prefer your email be linked, unlinked, or anonymous?
     A. What.
     How do you feel about food? Why do you eat?
     A. It feels good. I like things that feel good. I like to get in there 
     and tear with my teeth. They make me eat in the bathtub. Thats 
     alright, but don't try to eat soup in there when someones taking a 
     shower, you never finish.
     What is your biggest flaw?
     A. My ma says I dont have flaws, their more like features. My pa says 
     Where's that little puke I step on his head, but I dont think thats a 
     3 favorite authors
     A. You mean theres 3 of them? Did you notice, everything I ever read 
     seem like it was written by the same really smart fellow. But if you 
     put me up against the barn with your knee in my noonies I got to say 
     my favorite is the one that wrote the most beautiful words in the 
     english language, "Apply to infested area."
     What are the hallmarks of success in life?
     A. Got to be self respect. I give you an example we all can relate to. 
     You know that feeling when you come to in the gutter with vomit up 
     your sleeves and your pants is gone and you discover you can't stand 
     up because some one parked their pickup on your hand -- but you still 
     have enough self respect to wish it was a BMW. Thats what I mean, 
     thats self respect.
     What is your biggest mental fuck-up?
     A. I dont like to brag but Dr. Scheissberg copyrighted my case 
     history, he said it would make his career tho' their wouldnt be many 
     dinner invitations afterward, no one would go near him, but society 
     would sure find out what it spawned when the spring issue of the 
     Journal of Human Garbage come out, thats not really its name but he 
     says thats what all the healers call it.
     What is your favorite animal?
     A. I always like the triceratops, a dinosaur. Like to get one. Not 
     many around these days, but that just means you dont have to get them 
     spayed. They dont talk back or make a mess and you can hang your pants 
     on their face.
     Describe it.
     A. Big fellow, all scaly, horns on his face, bow legged, nice 
     personality, just about extinct.
     How long do you usually know a girl before you kiss her? Jump her? 
     Dump her?
     A. I tell you my philosophy on that. When I got to be 18 they couldn't 
     hold me in school no more so I got a nice job at Bon Ton Entrails & 
     Adulterants in town, that supplies filler to the packing houses. 
     Everbody said I should get married and raise a family, but I couldn't 
     think of girls that way. Maybe I was old fashion, but I was used to 
     having sexual relations with just my sisters like you're supposed to, 
     plus the social worker when she come around to test my development. My 
     pa said strange women would only get me in trouble and give me a 
     disease, and if my sisters was good enough for him they was good 
     enough for me.
     How old were you when you first kissed? Had sex? Smoked Pot?
     A. Well, again, I get confused about all that. Me and Onan Brathwaite 
     used to talk about what you call voluptuousness (he got that off a box 
     of cundums), he known a lot about it, but I never could figure it all 
     out. He was like my coach, in fact he wanted to teach high school, but 
     he never got out of seventh grade. He said he couldn't get no 
     encouragement from his career counselor so he give it up. The 
     counselor said he'd see him in hell with his back broke before he'd be 
     a party to lettin him near innocent children, and then the career 
     counselor's face got all red and veiny and spit come flyin out and his 
     nose begun to run, and Onan had to grab him real quick between the 
     legs and work him good til he calmed down, Onan said it was like 
     milkin a champion butterfat producer. Anyways, pretty soon his career 
     counselor fallen down on the floor and his voice got all funny like a 
     girl's and he started twistin around and rubbin up against Onan's legs 
     and he asked Onan if he couldn't please please get to be Onan's 
     footstool and work his way up to urinal, and Onan thought it was 
     undignified for a career counselor to talk like that, so he just said 
     maybe. I hope that will answer your question.
     Do you use recreational drugs?
     A. No, only for solemn religious purposes. (Tee hee.)
     A. Little shiny ones, and ones with corners.
     A. Soon as they start to wear off.
     A. Not for the last few minutes.
     Have you ever been married/lived with someone?
     A. No but I like to do that with you honey. I ask Lamar if he known 
     anything about you, he said he had you figured for someone thats part 
     femme, part cartoon character, and makes weird noises. Well shit fire, 
     that sounds like me, except for the first part of course.
     Who worked?
     A. That depends on if you would.
     Who cooked?
     A. Women should cook unless its my famous chilly. Also they should 
     throw the paper plates away because they made the mess they should 
     clean it up.
     Who cleaned?
     A. I guess nobody would, women are not always tidy like they pretend, 
     did you notice they always leave their panty hose on the shower so 
     they catch in my eyebrows. Then they complain if they get snags.
     Do you know how to cook?
     A. You only got to cook it until the scales fall out. (Thats the 
     secret of my famous chile by the way)
     Do you like to cook?
     A. I never said I was no Gordon Blue.
     What are the things you cook best?
     A. I just told you but nobody listens. But also I like to cook big 
     things, man things, things that if you drop them you could lose your 
     toenail. Thats the trouble with this country, you got men sitting 
     there with there legs crossed and a snail fork.
     Have you ever used any of the following (which?): gel hairspray mousse 
     cologne deodorant conditioner zitcream aftershave.
     A. Thats a good one. I dont even use soap.
     What was the most crazy thing you ever did as an adolescent?
     A. When I got to high school my friend DePrave learned how to shrink 
     heads, he sent away for a kit, and we'd wait for people to come by at 
     night and get their heads off and make them into paperweights and like 
     that. It was harder than you think, people that criticize don't know 
     how much work you got to put into it.
     As a college student?
     A. I didn't exactly go to college, but I spent some time there with my 
     uncle Oedipus Jukes that slept with us. It turned out he wasn't really 
     my uncle, and him and pa had a fight about it, and uncle Oedipus got 
     real sick, pa said he had to castorate him for his own good. Ma used 
     to give me that same oil out of the brown bottle, so I known what it 
     was like, but I got to say, I never screamed like uncle Oedipus did 
     when he was gettin his, pa even had to tie him down they told me. 
     Anyways, he worked part time over at the state University. He had to 
     keep most of his body shaved so they could attach things. He said it 
     wasn't so bad, and he had to go anyway cause it was the terms of his 
     parole, but they didn't hurt him much and they let him mastrebate into 
     a jar. After he got sick he couldn't do it so good, so he tried to use 
     my seed instead, he concealed it in his mouth, but some professor over 
     in Germany caught on right away. They give uncle Oedipus a copy of the 
     telegram, he saved it, it said Sehr abnorm, aber nicht abnorm genueg. 
     I don't know exactly what it means, I never took Latin or whatever, 
     but uncle Oedipus said the deputies brought him back to the lab and 
     they just about mastrebated the life out of him to get back on 
     schedule. Does that count?
     As a working stiff?
     A. I usually dont stay on a job long enough to do something crazy. But 
     let me give you an example that you must of experienced yourself. This 
     happened when I was a salesman with Discount Flammable Sleepwear. 
     Well, you know that uneasy feeling we all get when we've been dreaming 
     we're a werewolf and it seems so real, and we're so glad to wake up, 
     then we notice blood around our mouth and somebody's hair under our 
     nails, and there's people with torches outside? Well, let me tell you, 
     that straightens you out in a hurry, so I never got in trouble on the 
     job, no sir.
     If you were a fruit or a vegetable, what would you be?
     A. I ain't no fruit, so I guess I'd be a big old carrot, know what I 
     If I were, what would I be?
     A. Look to me like you'd be a prickly pear, missy.
     If you were at a party, and across the room you saw a very handsome 
     man and your girlfriend chatting quite animatedly, what would you do?
     A. Well, I don't like to make threats, but let me tell you, back in 
     high school Old Mr. Semmelweiss that taught Hygene found out we was 
     shrinking the heads and said the whole district was nothin but a petry 
     dish full of basilli, but we had the last laugh. Otis Fontleroy got us 
     a tank of helium like for balloons, and we caught Mr. Semmelweiss 
     comin home one night and made a slit and sucked out his insides with 
     Floyd Cottle Jr.'s industrial vac that picks up solids plus liquids, 
     it's a real good one, and sealed up the holes in the skin, and pumped 
     in the helium. Well, sir, we tied a string to his pecker and he just 
     went bobbing along everwhere we went like the Macys parade, with a big 
     wide grin. After that the other teachers didn't bother us none, and 
     our grades even went up. So you could say justice won out. Thats a 
     word to the wise.
     Do you think there is life after death?
     A. Could be, but how can you tell it isn't just life before death. 
     They look the same to me.
     On other planets?
     A. What other planets.
     Are you psychic?
     A. Once my Aunt Emesis was taking a plane and I dreamed it crashed, 
     the dream was so real I called her and warned her, but she took it 
     anyway and it didnt crash, tho' it got in 45 minutes late. Another 
     time I had a tingly feeling about what number would win on the state 
     lottery, and it almost did, except for 3 of the numbers. So you have 
     to say I'm part way psychic.
     Do you think you have any sort of understanding of what it would be 
     like to be completely insane?
     A. Sometimes I think so. But for instance, heres something I'm sure 
     you can relate to. You know how it is when youre woken up by the 
     police pounding on the door, and you have no idea who that thing is in 
     bed with you, and it feels like theres a thousand insects burrowing 
     into your skin, and then that blessed feeling of relief when you 
     realize youre not crazy after all, the insects are real? That's mental 
     Were you ever in the armed forces?
     A. Well I applied and they told me I could serve as soon as they got 
     to the bottom of the barrel. I think thats some kind of a lottery but 
     they didn't draw my name yet.
     Did you ever kiss a girl who had big, hairsprayed bangs?
     A. No, all the girls cut their hair short so it won't get caught in 
     the machine. Something that can turn out 350 cundums a minute, think 
     what it could do to your bangs. I dont blame them.
     What was the most important scientific achievement in the last 50 
     A. Got to say the 53 Merc. Or is that more than 50 years?
     What is the biggest problem all women have?
     A. Not enuf of me to go around, but almost, know what I mean?
     A. Try to compete with me, and maybe they can when they have tons of 
     money or some big future, but let me tell you, I got a secret weapon 
     they never heard of called the gift of blarney, or Dr. Scheissberg 
     from the County calls it by a scientific name, Coprolalia.
     A. They always tell you not to do things. Take old Pedophilus 
     Winegard, society told us to stay away from him, but it wasnt fair. 
     Pedophilus lived near the grade school til his house burnt down, it 
     was the same night he had that accident where all the feathers got 
     stuck to him, he sure looked funny when the folks carried him through 
     the square. But we all liked him from the school, he always give us 
     that candy with real liquor inside. He used to do funny things to us 
     with lard and some carven things he got from Thailand, sometimes it 
     hurt a little, but we known it was okay because he had his certificate 
     from the state Sexual Psychopath Division, he was all registered and 
     the Governor even signed it. He couldn't get a job because he used to 
     black out a lot, plus he would take out his whang and show it to 
     ladies, he was what you call an exhibitor, but he had his stress 
     pension from being a Federal Judge, so he had lots of money, with a 
     cost of living adjustment every year. Do you think thats fair?
     Which do you prefer: Plants Animals. Why?
     A. I think plants, they dont give you as much grief, they dont always 
     hump your leg like some animals I could name at all my friends house.
     If you won $1 million, what would be the very first thing you would 
     A. Thats more than I could make in a year. I'd use it to do good. No, 
     better use it to get so drunked up I have to grab the floor to keep 
     from falling off.
     The second?
     A. Do it again.
     The last?
     A. How much do I have left?
     Greatest influence?
     A. J. Edgar Hoover. He fought crime while he loved his mother.
     How do people describe you?
     A. Neanderthal. Thats over in Europe, what they call the continent.
     How do you describe yourself?
     A. Mister average American, a little better looking maybe.
     Do you subscribe to any magazines/newspapers?
     A. I dont exactly subscribe, but I never miss reading the January 1962 
     issue of Electro Convulsive Therapy Practitioner. Its always laying 
     right there, and its always like I'm reading it for the first time.
     What are your favorite shoes?
     A. Mostly hush puppies for social occasions, but to stomp a mud hole 
     in someone you want your combat boots.
     Additional comments:
     A. I hope I'm not taking advantage and using up all your paper, not 
     many people want to know my thoughts believe it or not. We can go out 
     any time, I'm not working right now.

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