Date: Sat, 7 Oct 1995 11:14:33 -0700
Name:
A: Torvold, Son of Hendar (R, 3rd.district)
Email:
A: torvold@waterw.com
Home Page:
A: http://www.waterw.com/~torvold
How do you FEEL about food? Why do you eat?
A: food is nice. I eat to make my wife's cat gag. Damned cat sheds fuzz all over my black flannel shirt. Didja know you can't make cat soup? It's virtually impossible to get all the fuzz off of one. I even ran one thru Dan Akroyd's "Chinchomatic". Talk about the final shitstorm!!
What is your biggest flaw?
A: Socks smell like garlic when I take them off
3 favorite authors
A: 1.Ron Popeil (wrote "How To Accumulate Wealth Slicing Beets" 2. The guy who did the Budweiser label, one of mankind's most astounding literary works. 3. Arlo Finok, Author of "Ceramic Man" action comics
What are the hallmarks of success in life?
A: It's entirely possible that merely being alive is a sign of success. Look at the insect world...they hatch, they metamorphose, they breed, they bite us, we step on them. Squish...end of successful story! Hallmark of success: Live long and prosper, but bite someone before you get stepped on.
What is your biggest mental fuck-up?
A: I suspect Cheerios are actually made from human bones, manufactured and marketed by a race of huge subterranean spiders.
What is your favorite animal?
A: Susan S. Hunter College class of 69, who spiked my beer with throat lozenges and attacked me over a 4 day period
Describe it.
A: shazbot! absolutely shazbot!
How long do you usually know a girl before you kiss her?
A: honestly, a modest 5 1/2"
Jump her?
A:
Dump her?
A:
How old were you when you first kissed?
A: 24, the same year I completed Drool Therapy
Had sex
A: shortly thereafter
Smoked Pot?
A: smoked things are bad for you
Do you use recreational drugs?
A: No
What?
A: I said no!
When?
A: Just now!
Still?
A: Yes
Have you ever been married/lived with someone?
A: Married
Who worked?
A: Me, who else? Say, how come you can't click more than one button above?
Who cooked?
A: I cooked the fish
Who cleaned?
A: She cleaned the fish
Do you know how to cook?
A: Yes
Do you like to cook?
A: Yes
What are the things you cook best?
A: Things that stay in the pot. Things without fuzz. Cooking prevents organic life from propagating in the fridge.
Have you ever used any of the following (which?): gel hairspray mousse cologne deoderant conditioner zitcream aftershave
A: I have an official "Writ of Unconditional Surrender" from Right Guard. After what??
What was the most crazy thing you ever did as an adolescent?
A: It was 1961, and I was in the steaming jungles of Paraguay with Indy. We were hunting the venomous short-billed knee sucker. We came upon a local chieftain who had strayed into a tapir trap. His testicles were ensnared and had turned blue. Altho he couldn't speak a word of English, we instinctively knew what he was telling us. After conducting brief negotiations, (you know, the gift of his finest daughter and such) we cut him free and followed him to,his village. It was a trap! He turned out to be an extremely clever Scientologist/Amway salesman, and he didn't even have a daughter! Shoulda let the sucker hang there! I got stuck with 400 mildewed copies of "Dianetics" , and now you know why I'm sometimes called "Bubbles"....still have gallons of that shitty soap in my garage...
as a college student?
A: It was 1961, and I was in the steaming....wait, how do you erase this?
as a working stiff?
A: Depreciated the White House on my 1040...(don't laugh1 We ALL own a small part of it!) The IRS has NO sense of humor whatsoever.
If you were a fruit or a vegetable, what would you be?
A: Broccoli...did you ever hear the broccoli joke? This woman is picking thru the veggies at the market, when the manager c
If I were, what would I be?
A: parmesan cheese...wait, is parmesan cheese a vegetable?
If you were at a party, and across the room you saw a very handsome man and your girlfriend chatting quite animatedly, what would you do?
A: Dunno...be jealous? handsome men NEVER want to chat with me!
Do you think there is life after death?
A: Yes
On other planets?
A: Yes
Are you psychic?
A: Yes
Do you think you have any sort of understanding of what it would be like to completely insane?
A: No
Why?
A: Sanity is a relative state. Rhode Island, I think...(everyone seems to be a cousin of some sort in Rhode Island) The most famous scientists in history were widely thought to be insane. Wow, there's the noises again...only louder this time...
Were you ever in the armed forces?
A: Yes
Did you ever kiss a girl who had big, hairsprayed bangs?
A: Yes
What was the most important scientific achievement in the last 50 years?
A: The thermos...keeps hot things hot...keeps cold things cold...how do it know?
What is the biggest problem...
...all women have?
A: those little pieces of toilet paper that get stuck in the folds of....
...all men have?
A: those little pieces of toilet paper that get stuck in the folds of womens'...
...with our society?
A: We need to retire shortly after birth, receive retirement checks from the government until we're fifty five, live free in a government built house, then at fifty five, we go to high school, get drafted at 60, and go off to fight some foreigners. If we survive, we return and start our working career. We work until we die. Think about it...solves a lot of problems.
Which do you prefer:
A: Plants
Why?
A: animals are chocked full of bad things like cholesterol and viruses and neuroses and such. Plants just sit there and sta
If you won $1 million, what would be the very first thing you would buy?
A: The City of Kennesaw, Georgia
The second?
A: a thermos...keeps hot things hot, keeps cold things cold....how do it know?
The last?
A: a decent box at the Met
Who has been the greatest influence in your life?
A: Mistress Penelope of the Darkness
How do people describe you?
A: a malignant version of Hagar The Horrible
How do you describe yourself?
A: the boy next door
Do you subscribe to any magazines/newspapers?
A: Yes
Which?
A: Yes! I checked yes!
What are your favorite shoes?
A: VC motorcyle boots
Additional Comments
A: There will NEVER be any peace in this world until the last lawyer is strangled to death with the guts of the last priest...