Moglewart was a most lonely thing.
the shittiest dj i ever seen...
STOP! We've already been over that... and it's "Morglewart," not "Moglewart."
... and so moving right along...
'morglewarts dear... that right, the doctor said I have morglewarts.." she sobbed to her husband. He was mighty upset w/ the results of the test.... He knew that the only way she could get morglewarts, a rare skin disease contracted from erotic acts w/ an avocado and other fruits most people actually think are vegetables, is if she was unfaithful. It hurt. He did everything: carved papyrus huts, manicured the tetherball courts, skewered different shapes of pinatas on golf clubs and hung them neatly off of the mantle in the living room... but it still wasn't enough. He loved her though. What was she getting from mis-understood fruits that she couldnt get from him? His mind would race at break-neck speeds and then just stall. She started to speak again,"look... there's this really shitty dj I've been seeing...
we had sex together and i liked it. he probably gave me the damn disease. do me a favore.... kill him for me."
A tiny voice in her head that she hadn't heard in years cried out, "If you continue like this, there's no telling where you'll end up. Can't you do any better? Can't you find something that really gives you the satisfaction you desire? Maybe you'll just be as much of a failure as you've always been, just reaching the hollow goals you set before yourself." And it scared her, because she realized it was true. This wasn't about fucking another stupid dj, it was about finding ways she could keep herself from dealing with her real problems. Maybe it was time to go home...
So she started for home, but half way there she pulled in front of a tractor trailer hauling nuclear waste. She was unhurt but the trailer slammed into a bridge support. The nuclear material went critical and everyone died. I mean EVERYONE: Mogalwertz, Cal Ripkin, Newt, Jesse Jackson, Bob Dylan, Vince Foster (forgot), the artistformerlyknown as Prince,Bevis. Just everyone. All the mice were gone. All the rabbits too. In San Fransisco a gerbil died half in and half out of some stranger's butt. David Letterman's pencil vaporized in mid air. You get the idea. The End Hey, what's that in the primordial soup? Could that be simple chemicals being cooked into protiens? Doesn't that gloop look like someone you know?...
Ya, that's him. That's Mogarhertz. The first to evolve. The first evolver. The number one guy. Alone on the earth, walking in circles, looking for a cup of joe. He checks the terrain and finds no cups, no joe, no anything.There is no counter to sit at and no waitress to ask for coffee. The coffee hasn't been made yet. It won't be made for several million years; and when it is made, there's no guarentee that it's going to be GOOD coffee. Morganhalf thought on these things and decided to wait anyway. Afterall, coffee was coffee. He began waiting in earnest. Maybe a piece of pie would be good while he waited.
When Muggertart gave up waiting there was no one there to notice. When he resumed waiting ditto. Every once in a while he would walk over to edge of the primordial soup and check it for signs of life. Once or twice every century he would catch sight of his own reflection and give out a little yelpy fear-scream. Then he would admonish himself out loud, "Damn, you screamed just like a little girl" Then he would admonish himself for being sexist concerning yelpy fear-screams. Then, noticing no womyn around, he would relax and resume waiting.
After the first few thousand years he grew impatient.
He took to yelling out. "Who do ya gotta blow in this joint to get a cup of coffee?" He realized he hadn't planned a response if some short order cook appeared and answered "ME,Ya gotta blow me" so he dropped it.
This was more boring than the tour he'd taken of Bill Gates' house. He still remembered:
"On your left you will see the walk-in medicine cabinet of the aux. back-up bathroom. It's not as well supplied as the main back-up bathroom but Mr Gates does keep it stocked with enough Q tips to clean every ear and a majority of the butt holes in China." Mo remembered some nerd seriously asking "How many butt holes are there in China?"
The tour guide didn't miss a beat. "I have been trained not respond to butt hole questions, and you cannot side track me into a discussion of does Mr Gates or doesn't Mr Gates have one"
The question of the billionare's butt gave Muzzlefort something to ponder. "This will give me something to think about until the first woman arrives" he thought.
He didn't notice her standing behind him.
"So what's your name, ya sorry sack of shit?" she startled him into letting loose one of his pathetic yelpy screams.Now he wished he'd paid more attention in chapter 4. "I think it's Maplethorp but you can call me Mo"
"What makes you think I'm going to call you anything, you white, middle class, sexist thinking, testicle having, status seeking, earth destroying, girlie screaming opressor?" she shouted. Mo was backing up as she advanced on him.
"You asked my name, I..er.. I thought we could be friends."
"You probably want to get me pregnant and deny me my right to snuff the life in my womb!" she screamed "Stop looking at my breasts, you BASTARD!"
Mo, who hadn't been looking at her breasts, now noticed those two round globes of pink, bouncy fun-flesh. He realized too late that he'd forgotten to put on pants that morning.......
"YOU'VE GOT A WOODY!" she screamed. Now her worst fears had been confirmed. This was a potential rapist. She was at war.
"It's Not!" was the best defense he could come up with. Waiting around for two million years hadn't prepared him for thinking on his feet......"Oh damn...I've..er..been bitten by one of those boner causing scorpion bugs again."
"You have?" she asked, wide eyed "Does it hurt?" Nu-Babe may have been a ball-breaker but she was also as stupid as a box-o-rocks. Mo looked upward and thanked his lucky stars."I can work with this" he thought.
"It doesn't hurt so much as throb" he said in a strained voice "What I'm worried about is the toxin. If it reaches my brain I could die; I may need someone to suck out the poison....."
Mo was elated. He could see she was one of those rare beautiful creatures who would believe anything; he was already plotting how to knock her up and deny her an abortion.
"I KNOW!!" she burst out. A big grin exploded across Mo's face but turned to bewildered despair as she continued.."I'll go get help!"
Poor slob Mo could only stare with his mouth hanging open as she dashed off into the brush.
Nu-Babe was in good shape and was able to run without tiring for a good amount of time. Her brain, however, soon tired of holding on to the one thought she had set out with.("get help") She found herself running with no neural activity other than a vague awareness that the wind felt good blowing across her nipples.
Mo spent a few hours waiting for Nu-Babe's return, but inside he knew he was out of luck. He had his chance and he blew it. He'd just have to wait another few million years for another woman to evolve. "And by the way, WHERE IS MY COFFEE" he yelled into the wilderness. After a while he decided to go out looking for her...what the hell....couldn't hurt.
Mo walked along the sea of slime for a long time; his thinking being that he may as well check for evolutionary activity while he was out. He realized that he hadn't ever taken a walk before. He had been content sitting on his rock and had missed the simple pleasures of mild exercise. "This is ok" he thought "and the wind blowing across my nipples is kinda neat"...He thought about Nu-Babe and started walking faster.
He found several evolutionary false starts along the way... He kicked most of them back into the slime...He got excited at one point, when he found what appeared to be a computer. He had to carry it for hours to find a working electrical outlet. After plugging it in and fiddling with it for another couple of hours, he got it to run long enough to identify it as a Windows 96 machine......He ran with it to the beach and threw it far out into the muck.
"Come back when you're a Mac" he muttered, more depressed than ever.
After a while Mo came upon a beach where coffee was trying to evolve. He was overjoyed and began checking every cup. There was vanilla mint, mocha java, rasberry, cherry, armpit, bananna, dingleberry.....just about everything but real coffee. He tossed it all into the slime, but the slime tossed it back....He decided he'd wait for the real thing.
There were several spots where government workers were trying to evolve, and Mo stopped to watch. Some creatures had actually developed the ability to appear to be working while doing nothing. Mo thought they were getting close until he remembered that there was no coffee yet. There couldn't be coffee breaks until there was coffee, and there couldn't be government workers until there was coffee breaks. Mo walked on...
There was driftwood along the shore at one point. Mo tripped over a piece and fell into the soup. He got out as quick as he could but he was too late. He looked down at himself and saw that he had evolved an "e". He was now Moe.
Moe walked further inland just in case the government workers developed and started looking for a project. He made a mental note to find a weapon when possible too; this new land could start heating up fast.
After several hours of aimless wandering Moe found himself back at his rock.(the rock where he had spent the last million years anyway, so by rights it should be his) He couldn't believe he had traveled in one huge circle. He would have sworn but he was out of practice and couldn't think of what to say so he threw back his leg and kicked a rock. The rock did three things: 1. It broke Moe's big toe.......... 2. It went flying off into the bush.......and C. It bounced off Nu-Babe's forehead.
Moe was so concerned with #1 that he didn't pay much attention to 2 or C. The pain demanded most of his attention but one little part of his brain registered something as being out of place; he was sure that he had heard a bush moan.
When he had recovered enough to limp around, he headed for the bushes. He picked up a good sized stone for protection and held it ready for throwing........When he was about two steps away from the bushes he decided that his imagination had been playing tricks on him and started to turn back. It was then that the nearest bush shook and frightened a little yelpy scream out of him.
Moe quickly let loose with the rock and began his retreat.This time he was sure he heard a moan as the rock bounced off of Nu-Babe's head and went sailing off into the distance. Standing ontop of the hill now he could see what he had done. He had beaned the only poon-tang he was likely to see for the next million years.
A quick check showed that she was still breathing so Moe pulled her back out of the bushes. He laid her under a tree and began CPR. (or something very much resembling CPR)
Moe laid the nude (who had time to evolve clothes?) Nu-Babe out on her back with her knees bent and her heels up by her ass. He was playing peek-a-boo with her snatch when she started to come to. She started to moan in pain but Moe thought it was arousal so he just kept working her knees like a bellows..peek-a-boo...peek-a-boo..peek-a-boo.He wasn't to sure how to procede with sex, but this seemed to be working.
Nu-babe thought she was in hell. She remembered running through the bushes and getting knocked on her ass by a low hanging tree branch; Everything after that was a blur of rocks bouncing off her forehead. Now she wakes up to find some demented caveman playing peek-a-boo with her pussy. She didn't want to stand up until she knew where the fuggin rocks were coming from so she laid there a moment longer... peek-a-boo..peek-a-boo...
"If you're expecting it to answer you, you've got a long wait" she said softly, not wanting to attract the attention of any nearby flying rocks.
Moe, who had gone into a pussy watching trance, let out a (yelpy, pathetic) scream when she spoke. He had pretty much decided she was dead already. "I'm sorry I beaned you" was all he could think to say.
"Was that you throwing the rocks? Pretty hard core foreplay, don't ya think?"
Moe remembered how easy she was to fool and was thinking of a lie to cover up his rock assault when something made him stop. He realized that she was somehow different.
He decided to test her. "Oh, look at that. I've been bitten by that boner causing scorpion bug again." and looked expectantly for her reaction.
Nu-Babe just stared. Who the hell was this peek-a-boo caveman, and what was this insane talk about? She decided to humor him in case he was dangerous. "That's nice. Now do you want to quit pumping my legs open and closed? That's a rhetorical question, by the way"
Yup, she was different alright. Maybe the knock(s) on the head had done something to knock the stupid out of her. Moe quit working her legs though, guessing at the meaning of "rhetorical".
"So are you from around here?" she asked. Maybe she could use this guy. If he's not to dangerous, that is. She would need someone to kill the lions if any had evolved yet, and that throbing johnson he was holding didn't look too bad ........
"Sure am. I'm Moe and this is my...." what? home? rock? planet? "and this is where I live." He knew he was dealing with an equal now but he hadn't yet figured out that she was in charge. He stood up and asked "Can I get you anything? a er ah ... a rock? a stick, a bush? maybe some dirt?"
She could see she had her work cut out for her, but hey, there was precious little else to do around here; This guy could be her hobby...."If it wouldn't be too much trouble I'd like a cup a Joe and a bowling alley. Bring the coffee first. And, by the way, a bowling alley is not a drink."
She really wanted the coffee, she wasn't from Seattle or anything, but she really really wanted a coffee. The bowling alley request was an IQ test. Was this guy 1.smart enough to know what a bowling alley was B. smart enough to know what one was but dumb enough to build it for her, or 3. dumb enough to begin construction on a bowling alley without even a vague idea as to what a bowling alley was. Category 3 is usually only seen in government contracts.
Moe fell into category D.
Moe just walked off. He didn't speak. He didn't grunt, he didn't nod. He just started walking. He thought coffee was a great idea and he was hoping to figure out "bowling alley" along the way. He'd gotten about 20 feet when she called.
He turned around just in time to catch a rock the size of a baseball square in the nose.
"Hey, What the hell was that for?!?"........Moe thought for a while......then said "Oh, ya" and continued walking.
Moe walked for about fifteen more feet before he realized that he was walking the wrong way. What's the wrong way, one might ask, not being familiar with precisely how WRONG this wrong way was. Trust me, it was wrong. The reasons are long and complicated and probably more than would interest you, so let's just leave it at the fact that it was wrong. Anyhow, Moe turned around, and found that Nu-Babe had been following him. "Oh! Hello, Nu-Babe," he said, startled. "Nu-Babe?" said she. "That sounds like some kind of blow-up doll. I prefer to be called Anastasia, if you please."
"Anastasia? Like Czar Nicholas' kid? That is a beautiful name maybe one of my favorites. That means that if you and I were to have sex together, that at least one of us would be sticking his dick in somebody with his favorite name."...Moe stopped, thought, (didn't want to over play his hand) and continued....."I mean we could start out with like an Anastasia blow job or hand job or dry hump or whatever."
"How about an Anastasia size 7 boot up your ass? You seem to have had one thing on your mind since day one, and it hasn't been creating a free and equal society. That is my focus and if you aren't up to building Utopia with me you won't be climbing aboard any time soon."...... "Who is this czar Nicholas guy anyway?"
"Oh, During the Bolshevik Revolution of 1917, Czar Nicholas Romanov II was overthrown and exiled to the town of Ekaterinburg. In the middle of the night of July 16, 1918, Bolshevik guards, using the pretense that the Romanovs were in danger, led the Czar and his family into a basement and killed them. Although reports indicated that no one survived, some people believe that one of the Czar's daughters, Princess Anastasia, may have escaped.... Don't ask me how I know this, I used to watch a lot of TV."
Stacey's tone didn't change.."Look, there is no TV yet, so don't give me that crap. There are a about a milion monitors down there at the beach, but they're all Windows 97,98,99 machines and it may be years before they work. Where did you get your information?"
This was it. He didn't want to tell her the truth- that he'd found the info on his mac- but he knew that getting caught in a lie would mean banishment from pussy city forever..... He knew one thing; he wasn't going to share his mac with anyone, pussy or no....... He had to think fast. He feigned excitement and pointed over Anastasia's shoulder.."Look, the Goodyear blimp!!"
Anastasia spun around to look but saw nothing but blue sky. She turned back just in time to catch a rock with her face. "Oh, look at the pretty birdies" was all she got out before folding up like a city map and falling to the ground.
Moe laid her out in a way he thought would make her comfortable- on her back with her legs spread way out...He was trying to elevate her hips when she woke up. "Excuse me, but were you the caveman who ordered the ass kicking?" she asked as she grabbed his left testicle and lifted over his head; at least it felt like she lifted it over his head. "Talk to me, Neanderthal- Where did you get all that information? You've got about two seconds before I make you a soprano." They were both up now, and Moe was standing on his tip-toes.
Moe was pretty sure that she already had made him a soprano but he talked anyway. He told her how the Mac had crawled up from the beach one night and snuggled under his blanket while he slept. He told her about how the mac had hooked itself up to the "internet" and how he could find out about anything there...... She made him show her, but all he could get on his computer was a little box that said his connection had been refused. He mused on the thought that "connection refused" might be a good title if he ever wrote an autobiography.
By now it was clear who was boss of the new human race, and it wasn't Moe. It was Anastasia's idea to follow the wires from the back of the computer to track down whatever other inteligent life there might be extant. This may or may not have been a good idea but it beat Moe's: "Let's sit on this rock and wait for a government program to evolve and rescue us." Anastasia had seen the government workers trying to evolve and she had noted their location. She had interest in them, but only as a possible future food source.
They traveled for days, and grew closer. Anastasia was pretty sure that Moe would have been institutionalized in a normal world, but he was company, and he had stopped beaning her with rocks.... Moe had taken to begging for sex and was getting on her nerves so one night in a cave Anastasia gave up some hip. It was resoundingly ho-hum sex but ho-hum beats no-hum when it's the first and only sex in a new world...... Moe, of course, was extatic and couldn't wait for sex act II..... Anastasia was less impressed, but much less disgusted than she had expected. She told Moe that he could have more when he was able to lick the center out of a Fig Newton without disturbing the outer cake layer. She was pretty sure that was an impossible task, but it kept Moe busy for days, and after a while he forgot his constant sex-beggary....... They continued on their journey; Moe searching for Newtons along the way; Stacey keeping an eye out for a shower massage.
Their quest for the end of the computer cable went on for months. They followed it through the Jungle and into the Rain Forest. Anastasia said they were the same thing, but Moe disagreed just to piss her off. He made a point of stopping --whenever the path was too narrow for her to pass around him-- and examining the folliage. He would stroke his chin, look skyward and pretend to think. Then he would make his pronouncement "It appears we have passed into the Jungle" or "Just as I thought, Rain Forest on the left, Jungle on the right."
Anastasia knew what he was about; and she let him go on like that for a long time. Then one day it got to be too much. He was stopping to examine the leaves for the sixth time when she bent down to pick up a rock. He put his hand to his chin. She stepped back. He looked skyward. She drew back her arm. He said "Very interesting" She threw the stone with all her might.
Just then Moe turned and saw the projectile headed for him. He ducked in time, but just barely. The rock sailed over his head and down the Jungle (or Rain Forest) path. Moe heard it breaking vines as it traveled on for several seconds before hitting something solid. There was a deep 'thunk' and a moan from somewhere behind him.